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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

'Bachelorette' recap: Curacao with Emily forgoes


After months of schmoozing, smiling and swapping spit with man meat, the Bachelorette Emily Maynard has narrowed down her pack of potential daddies from 25 gelled chuckleheads to three exquisitely coiffed specimens of metrosexuality. The sole remaining options are the consonant-deficient Jef, indie car racer Arie, and Sean, a white-teethed specimen with a USDA seal of approval on his abs. The men are all madly in love with Emily already, but, like in The Highlander or Candyland, there can only be one winner (and brother-husbands just don’t have the same ring as sister-wives). Emily has no choice but to grab her harem and flee to Curacao to drink piña coladas and take walks in the rain while trying to make up her mind about whom to marry.

Every rose has its thorn, but here’s who got pricked this week:

Worst Omen: While visiting his family last week, Emily tells Jef to drive slowly and he takes off down the road at high speed. That doesn’t bode well for a trusting relationship. In fact the only thing it’s an omen of is Emily chucking something sharp at Jef’s head in the near future. That said, Emily is convinced that Jef “gets her.”

Best Euphemism: Emily explains that Arie is “youthful,” which is clearly just a euphemism for the awkward truth that he’s incredibly immature.

Most Mysterious Use of a Question Mark: In Curacao, Emily walks along the beach and scrawls Emily + ? into the sand. Somewhere at least one of the former contestants is filing the paperwork to change his name to ?.

Wasted Opportunity: Sean and Emily take a helicopter ride to their own private island and not a single metaphor for a relationship being like a helicopter to ride to an island was made. What was the point?

(MORE: The Bachelorette Watch: Safe At Home)

Best Use of Social Media: After Sean spends ten minutes telling Emily how he was never in love with his ex-girlfriend, how no one he’s dated has ever measured up, and how he deceived his ex into thinking he loved her, Sean should be expecting some seriously irate Facebook posts from his ex any second now.

Savviest Move: Sean wrote Ricki a letter including phrases like “never forget your father, but never forget you are my daughter.” Emily goes to her happy place, which is giggling to herself about Ryan’s laundry list of womanly arts.

The Waiting Game: Sean is in love with Emily and it is “imperative” that he not hold back. And yet he does. Emily waits and waits for him to say the “L word” because she needs to hear it, no matter how falsely he means it. He finally blurts out that he loves her and Emily replies, “Thank you.” I guess they weren’t talking about lobster.

Finally: A Jacuzzi. While The Bachelor is nothing but hotties in hot tubs, The Bachelorette with its single mother star has not had a single Jacuzzi session. Is that sexism?

Strike One: Emily decides that she can’t spend the night in a fantasy suite with Sean. She is a mother and mothers don’t do that sort of thing. At least not on national television.

Corniest Line Yet:“The sun is setting in Curacao, but for me and Emily, a whole life is starting.” —Jef, with a straight face.

Good Point: Jef realizes that he’s fallen in love with Emily, but has never met Ricki, the most important person in Emily’s life.

(MORE: The Bachelorette Watch: Let’s Czech Out Prague)

20 Awkward Questions: Jef has some important questions for Emily, unfortunately he seems incapable of asking them without putting his foot in his mouth. For example, about past relationships, “Why hasn’t it worked out? Is it something they were missing or is it something you’re…uh, missing?” Just what a lady likes to hear.

Strike Two: Emily hands Jef a note proffering the fantasy suite and asks him what he thinks. He thinks they should make out for awhile, but not spend the night. Emily looks hurt that he didn’t say yes so she could turn him down. Jef assures her that he wants to spend every night with her, once they are married. However, now is the time to “bridle their passions,” which in the case of these two puritans is not a euphemism for anything lascivious.

Best Revenge: It’s no secret that Emily loves kissing Arie, if she does say so herself. She loves kissing him. She wants to kiss him all the time because it’s that good. She mentions her love of kissing Arie so often it becomes clear she’s just rubbing it in the face of the producer he dated.

Harshest Reality: After their romantic date getting laughed at by dolphins, Arie and Emily sit down for entrees with a side of cold hard truth. Arie’s lifestyle is not very kid friendly—for example, he likes to go out for dinner every single night. He’ll get over that quickly when dining with a 7 year-old.

Strike Three: Emily says “Arie doesn’t just tell me he likes me, he shows me,” which is the dirtiest thing ever said on this show. Emily won’t return the favor though because even though she thinks Arie is hot, she is a role model and a mother first. However the only way to ensure that she remains true to her vow is to not give Arie the fantasy suite card at all. She trusts herself and him that much.

Host with the Most: Chris Harrison earns his ticket to Curacao by having a heart to heart with Emily. She admits that is falling in love with all three of the men. She tears up explaining this phenomenon. Her forehead and eyebrows don’t move. Just saying.

(MORE: The Bachelorette Watch: London Calling)

Biggest Disappointment: Chris tells Emily that the men each made her a special video message. Not one of them was dirty. Not one!

Biggest Test of Waterproof Mascara: Emily cries her way through the three testimonials as the men preach their love of Emily, their desire to form a family with Ricki, and their burning, burning passion for her, their bachelorette. She sobs that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone and doesn’t want to make the wrong choice. Then she cries some more.

The Rose Ceremony: Emily makes a speech to the men, explaining how much she loves each and every one of them, but had to make her choice based on what she thinks is best. As opposed to any other lesser reason. Jef gets the first rose. Arie and Sean gulp, sweat and twitch as Emily holds the remaining rose in her hand. She calls Arie’s name. For those playing along at home, that means Sean is getting the boot.

Fondest Farewell: Emily takes a deep breath and covers her face in shame. She may be stressed, but I am relieved because I could never remember that he was on the show. Emily insists that they talk and while Sean holds it together, she bursts into tears. Sean tells her, “I’ll miss you more than you know,” which, of course, makes her cry more. He leaves on his trail of tears and Emily cries some more.

Biggest Shock: Promotional consideration was paid by the Curacao Tourism Board.

Come back next week when the men tell all. Hopefully Ryan will share some grooming tips! Then in two weeks, Emily will force either Jef or Arie to propose to her.
OK, before I get into Monday's marvelous non-overnight date episode of "The Bachelorette," a disclaimer: I knew Sean was going home Monday. That's because over the weekend I attended the "Men Tell All" taping, where I got to talk to all of the losers -- er, quirky individuals -- who populated this season, as well as Emily and -- swoon -- Sean. But more on that later.

So even though I was aware Sean wasn't going to last long in Curaçao, I couldn't help but root for the guy when he showed up in the kind of super low-cut V-neck that inspired that recent "Saturday Night Live" skit. Emily, who apparently spent her first few days on the beach writing "Emily + ? = <3" in the sand, was worried that Sean was the only dude who hadn't dropped the L-bomb yet. Accordingly, she tried nearly every passive-aggressive route she could imagine to get him to spurt out those three little words.

"Sometimes you do hide your feelings from me," she told him, a coy look in her eye.

"I've already told you I'm crazy about you," Sean replied. Cue awkward silence. "I forgot what I was going to say," he blurted out, trying to avoid being forced into saying those three magical little words.

Luckily, some crew member had thrown some snorkel gear into the pair's beach bag, so they headed into the ocean to look at fish. But it wasn't until the later portion of the date that Sean really got comfortable. He whipped out a letter he had written to Ricki, telling her how much he was looking forward to becoming her stepfather. I mean, dude crushed it. Brought his A-game. And then he finally got the guts to say "I love you."

But lest you think a sentimental letter and a premature admission of love will get you in good with Emily, think again. Our Bachelorette decided to forgo the fantasy suite with Sean, which was apparently fine with Mr. Perfect, who was eager to do nothing more than "stay up and talk" with Emily.

Emily proceeded to use that same tactic with all three of her remaining suitors, opting not to sleep with any of them because she's a mom "and it just doesn't line up" with what she believes in and "the example" she wants to set for Ricki. I'm sorry, but we need to pause and examine that. So it's fine for women without kids to be promiscuous on national television? How does that make any sense? And by the way, missy, don't think I forget about the fact that you spent the night with Brad in the fantasy suite just a few seasons ago.

Man, this episode always makes me miss Jillian. She really didn't skimp on the hot tub action. Things have gotten progressively more tame since. I mean, Ed in that green Speedo, anyone? How long until "Bachelor Pad" starts airing again?

ANYWAY. Jef was up next, and I have to say, I'm feeling pretty certain that he wins now. He started off the date by telling Em that his Mormon sibling folk told their parents about the Bachelorette's visit to OMG-Jef-Is-Actually-Soooo-Rich-Ranch. Turns out the fam dug Emily and now Jef's parents deign to meet her. Which is uh, nice and all, except that they shouldn't have needed to screen test her first.

Even though Jef is the most boyish of the remaining bunch, there's something undeniably endearing about him -- especially the way he asks questions like a doe-eyed innocent: Do you think I'd be a good parent? Do you think I'd be a good fit for Ricki? Do you like my hair? Can we play with our marionettes again?

Jef did have a few serious questions for Emily, "Just, you know, like details," he said. LIKE: WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO LIVE? You know, a small detail. Oy. This show.

Later on their date, Emily made a key reveal when she told Jef that he was the one she imagined by her side when she thought about life in North Carolina with Ricki. She also said she felt he loves her "in a way no one else does." I mean, what else do we need to hear, people? Arie may know how to suck face, but I think the Jef-ster is going to pull it out in the end, even though I will never be able to forgive him for uttering the sentence: "I plan on spending every night with you in our own fantasy suite."

After another night of celibacy, Emily headed off for her final makeout sesh -- I mean, date -- with Arie.

"I'm so excited to have a whole day with Arie and just focus on him," she said. Yeah, and his pores. And his lips. And his tonsils.

It's too bad they couldn't stop kissing, because their date was the best of the trip: They got to swim with DOLPHINS in the middle of the ocean! We're not talking SeaWorld here, people. These were like, free-spirited sea creatures frolicking in the waves with the two lovebirds, and I was jealous.

Of course, Emily was kind of scared of the dolphies and would prefer to swap spit with Arie instead on the boat.

"There's such a chemistry between us that it's hard to even talk," said Captain Obvious.

While Em is clearly the most physically attracted to Arie, I feel like she realizes that and knows there's more depth with Jef. Then again, I know we've seen countless people on this show choose their final pick based on sexual attraction alone -- Jake and Vienna, anyone? I just want to believe that Emily's smarter than that. I hope against all hope!

Sadly, after a full day of kissing Arie, it was time to let Sean go. Emily wore her fake ponytail extension again, which made me feel even more sorry for him.

But here's the good news! I saw Sean at the "Men Tell All," and he's fine now, ladies. And yes, he would consider being the next "Bachelor," should he receive the invitation -- though he insists he has doubts about finding love on reality television again.

"I have a lot of hesitations," he told me. "For one, this was such a draining experience, and it was emotionally taxing. So can I go through all this again? I don't know. And I don't know if they're going to ask."

The 28-year-old insurance agent said it took him a while to get back into the swing of things once he returned to Dallas, but said he now realizes Emily wasn't the one for him.

"My wife is not going to have any doubts or hesitation about wanting to spend her life with me," he said. Maybe this dude really is Mr. Perfect.

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